The Beginners' Guide to:

Gun crime in the USA

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Dirty Money 2

Second Amendment
In 1791 the US constitution was altered to allow citizens to carry automatic weapons. They also legalised the internet, atomic power, and self-driving horseless carriages. Honestly. You just have to read imaginatively, ignore any words that don’t fit your agenda, and threaten to shoot anyone who disagrees

Assault weapon
Weapon designed to attack someone. As opposed to weapon designed to compensate for small penis size in insecure men (see “Semi-Assault Weapon”)

Semi-Assault Weapon
Rifle that gets gun-owners partially aroused.

Pump action
What gun owners do when they look at pictures of big barrels

Load
What they shoot

Heckler and Koch
When someone comments on the size of gun owner’s penis

Drive-by shooter
Takes a car to a shop to buy a gun

Going postal
Orders a gun online.

Mandatory check
“Can you afford this gun?”

Hand gun
What the US does to the mentally disturbed

NRA
Hip-hop group promoting gun use

Dumdum
Member of the NRA

Shooting22
Average NRA member’s IQ

38
In the NRA they call this person “Professor”

45
“Einstein”

50
In their dreams

Open carry
“My gun’s bigger than yours” (but don’t ask about my penis)

Concealed carry
I’m secure in the size of my weapon

Cash and carry
Mandatory check

Starting pistol
A child’s first weapon

Full metal jacket
What US schoolchildren now have to wear to school

Sniper
Someone who suggests the NRA aren’t quite the full shilling

Mandatory check
They have such terrible fashion sense too

Conclusion
We’ve run out of ammunition

The Beginners' Guide to:

Athletics

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Origins
At the first athletics event all of the contestants were naked as it was 776BC, or ‘before clothes’.

Athlete
Carrier of a fungal disease.

Track event
Held on a railway line. Extremely dangerous though it can improve an athlete’s best time.

Field events
A much safer group of events. Popular disciplines include picnicking, climbing trees and making daisy chains.

Running events
Organising the games.

Throwing events
People deliberately losing.

Jumping events
Channel hopping while watching athletics on TV.

Lane
Small road leading to the area where the field events are being held.

Starter
First course in the picnic in the field.

Hurdle
Being crap at your event.

“Marks!”
Shop where the athlete bought their shorts.

“Set!”
The shorts came with a matching top.

Starting pistol
Beginner’s gun in a shooting event.

High jump
Being surprised by the starting pistol.

Long jump
Taking a while to calm down.

Triple jump
Not getting used to the starting pistol very quickly.

False start
Your teeth fall out because you’re so startled.

Personal best
Making sure one’s appearance is tip-top.

Shot put
Vey difficult golf exercise.

Marathon
Inspired by an Ancient Greek who ran all the way home after a battle to make sure he could sit through every single event on the television.

Relay race
What television commentators do.

Discus
What television pundits do.

Triathlon
Athlon for beginners.

Pentathlon
Athlon for satanists.

Heptathlon
Tathlon for cool people.

Decathlon
Athlon on board ship.

Javelin
Darts for extroverts.

Pole vault
Really big safe where they keep all the poles.

Sprint
It is dangerous standing next to a fellow competitor in the public urinals if you are wearing shorts.

Middle distance
Much safer here.

Long distance
Stop showing off.

Water jump
What you might have to do.

Spikes
What people who fail drugs tests claim have been put in their drinks.

Shorts
Sometimes these are spiked.

Singlets
Better than doubles if you’re racing the next day.

Drugs test
Advisable. You don’t want to take ones that don’t work.

Long-jump pits
Terrible long-jumpers.

Dropping the baton
The conductor in the opening ceremony has to use a biro instead.

Medals table
Horizontal structure traditionally made of wood, though in modern times this can be metal or plastic, raised from the ground by four vertical poles, or ‘legs’, that the medals are put on.

Hammer
Used to construct the medals table.

Finish line
_______________.

The Beginners' Guide to:

Grand Prix Racing

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Pit stop
It gets very sweaty in those cars.

Cockpits
Really bad underarms.

Pit wall
Erected to keep the stench away from the spectators.

Finishing straight
What every heterosexual driver does unless something very strange happens during the race.

Overtaking
Dangerous manoeuvre gradually being outlawed from Grand Prix racing.

Grid
Electricity system used to charge car batteries.

Pole Position
Where the dancers are in the club frequented by drivers the night before a race.

Lap times
Rota of private dances in the club on the night before a race.

Chicane
Cigarette smoked by French drivers.

Marshal
Official upholding the law during races in the Wild West.

Helmet
German driver.

McLaren
Make very fast baby buggies.

Gear change
When lap dancers change into their slips.

Slipstream
All the discarded negligees of the lap dancers.

DRS
Medical team.

V8
Nazi rocket-powered Grand Prix car.

Circuit
Essential to get the electricity from the battery to the starter motor.

Street circuit
Electricity from the grid that powers the roadlamps.

Wet circuit
The driver has been sweating too much on the electrics.

Skid marks
It’s not only your armpits that are sweaty.

Turbo
It’s so wet there’s a fish on the track.

Traction
Used to pull carts with all the straw bales in.

Grip
Not encouraged at the lap dancing club.

Exhaust.
Former haust.

Haust
Friend of Helmet.

Podium
Ancient Roman mp3 player.

Suspension
There’s none of this in Grand Prix racing. Everyone knows it’s the car that’s first at the first corner that will win.

Champagne
Drivers spray this all over each other at the end of the race because there’s no time to have a shower before the press conference.

Red flag
There’s a bull on the circuit.

Green flag
Someone has broken down.

Yellow flag
There’s a scared driver who wants to stop.

Black flag
The Grand Prix has been taken over by Islamic extremists.

Chequered flag
No-one’s sure what on earth is happening but everyone’s had enough of watching the cars go round and round in the same positions for two hours so it’s time to go home. Or back to the lap-dancing club, if you’re a driver.

The Beginners' Guide to:

Glastonbury

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BBC
Every year the BBC takes hundreds of people to Glastonbury festival and then films them all having a good time at the expense of all the people who couldn’t get tickets.

Worthy farm
Where they grow Worthy’s Originals.

Eavis
Vehicle hire company used for transporting equipment.

Roadie
Lane leading to the Festival area.

Gatecrasher
Not concentrating hard enough when turning off the roadie.

Fence
Someone selling stolen tickets.

Mean Fiddler
The fence won’t pay you much money.

Headliner
Artistic over use of eyeliner as face paint.

Support act
Be in favour of free love.

Ley lines
See support act.

Wellies
See support act.

Novelty act
Sex in wellies.

Festival goer
Promiscuous visitor.

Field
What the Festival goer has been.

Grass
When your kid tells your partner you’re having a crafty joint.

Mud
1970s pop band whose platform soles were even better than wellies.

Glamping
Table tennis played in platform soles.

Cabaret tent
It’s a real song and dance putting it up.

Comedy tent
They bought it the day before and lost the instructions in the mud so had no idea how to put it up.

Underground music
The Wombles. They played Glastonbury.

Hippy
When someone is pleased being filthy and smelly.

Conclusion
You arrive home with athlete’s foot after too long in rubber footwear, braided hair that looks stupid in your work clothes, and henna tattoos of misspelled Sanskrit slogans that’ll take a month to fade. Unless you work for the BBC, in which case the main thing you arrive home to is an enormous paycheque for overtime.

Society

Dentists

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BBC News – Dentists aim for drill-free future.

Top Set
First class dentists.

Bottom set
NHS dentists.

Dental Floss
The nurse.

Molar
Underground dentist.

Drill
You can’t stop yourself doing this all down your shirt.

Wisdom tooth
One that hides from dentists as long as possible.

Milk tooth
Used in areas with very tough milk.

Veneer
The cheery manner of the dentist.

Wash your mouth out
What you have to do after swearing at the pain.

Cap
What the dentist’s mother should have used.

Crown
What you want to do to the dentist.

Bite together
How the else do you bite?

Orthodontist
You can see the dentist orthodontist.

Dental plate
It’s sitting on the counter with all your teeth in it.

Denture
…just hate dentists.

Sterilised
What the dentist’s mother should have been.

White filling
Relic of dental apartheid.

Interdental brush
Brush that’s as home in another country as it is here.

Discolouration
See White filling.

Grind
What the dentist’s father and mother shouldn’t have done.

Cavity
The mystery cat.

Decay
Coffee with no cay.

Chair
You’ll need to sit down when you see the bill.

Whiten
What you do when you see the bill.

Anaesthetic
The bill makes you feel numb.

“Open wide”
Your wallet.

Impacted
What the bill has done to your finances.

Root
What you feel the dentist’s mother and father shouldn’t have done.

Root canal
Where they shouldn’t have done it.

Implant
What the dentist’s father shouldn’t have done.

Dentene
Adolescent dentist.

Abcess
Dentists are a bit rubbish at the alphabet.

Aspirate
Most nurses would like to work somewhere better.

Filling
Don’t swallow the mouthwash. It is very.

X-Ray
Dentist who changed his name to avoid irate patients.

Mask
Used to hide the X-Ray’s identity.

Gingivitis
Inflammation of red hair.

Ulcer
How the Northern Irish say “Ulster”. They have very bad teeth.

Conclusion
It has cost you thousands to be able to smile with confidence but one look at the bill and it’s a waste of time because you’ll never feel like smiling again.

The Beginners' Guide to:

Summer

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Sweat
Course it is. Sraining.

Windbreak
There isn’t one. Or a rainbreak.

Sun tan lotion
Research has shown that it often doesn’t work properly. Not a problem in the UK.

Sun hat
Cloud.

Longest day
Rain, rain, and more rain.

Knotted handkerchief
Helps you remember the good old days when we did have summers.

Sunburn
Setting a newspaper alight to keep warm.

Flip flops
Weather forecasters who keep changing their mind about when summer will actually start.

Heat stroke
Swimming really fast to keep warm.

Prickly heat
Kind of summer that is very touchy about not being warm enough.

UV
WXYZ. Alphabet recited to try to decrease your annoyance at the lack of sun.

Shorts
You take refuge in spirits to warm you up.

Lounger
You have to stay in because of the rain.

Deck chair
What you do in frustration at all the rain.

High pressure
Getting really annoyed it won’t stop raining.

Barometer
Measure of how many times you’ve gone to the pub in frustration at the terrible weather.

Parasol
You’ve got such headache you have to take one of these.

Holiday
What you need to get away from the English summer.

Tan line
You dial the travel agent.

Blue sky
What you see from your aeroplane as you break through the clouds on your way to your holiday.

Muggy
Cat on a hot tin roof.

Humid
Character from Harry Potter.

Beachball
Affliction caused by nude sunbathing.

UV Rays
Sunglasses worn in large American cars.

Conclusion
Usually mid-June.

The Beginners' Guide to:

Drunkenness

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beer_2Demotions

Origins
People are allowed to drink in pubs at 18, though some begin earlier in the day.

Yard of ale
What you spill as you make your way to your table.

Lager top
You’ve spilt some on your shirt, too.

Top fermentation
You’ve spilt lots on your shirt.

Bottom fermentation
And your trousers.

Keg
The trouser upon which you have spilt beer.

Shorts
What you have to change into now your trousers are soaked.

Hand pull
What you attempt on the barmaid.

Lager
What you think the barmaid’s vital statistics are.

Froth
What you spin the barmaid.

Chaser
Or, as the barmaid insists on putting it, “stalker”.

Head
The beer has one. You’ve lost yours.

Bar
What happens after you try to chat up the barmaid one too many times.

Bitter
How you feel about the barmaid.

Pub crawl
What you have to do to get back in to your local.

Jug
See “Barmaid”.

Hops
You need the loo.

Barley
But you can barley stand, talk or focus.

Specific gravity
The tendency of the Earth to attract a falling object was first noted by Newton after he had had a few drinks.

Barman
Alcoholic superhero of Gotham City. He helps you up.

Measure
What the barmaid has of you.

Snakebite
Gang to which the barmaid tells you her boyfriend belongs.

Designated driver
The golf club which the barmaid’s boyfriend intends to use on you.

Glass collector
Your face if you’re not careful.

Ale
As in “ale juss hav one moore”…

Swift half
The top bit of a pint

Round
What you’re becoming.

Gastropub
Stomach upset from drinking too much beer.

Stout
See “Round”.

Drinking up time
What you realise alcohol has been doing.

Barrel
The way you walk home.

On the house
How you support yourself.

Landlord
The person you try to avoid as you arrive home after 15 pints, unable to be quiet, and unable to find your keys.

Beer tap
You knock gently to be allowed in.

Landlady
The person who comes to let you in and who you now find strangely attractive.

Hangover
It takes several days for your landlady to talk to you again.

Conclusion
You blame everything on the dodgy cashew nuts you ate at the bar.

The Beginners' Guide to:

Lightbulbs

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light-bulb-in-hands

Thomas Edison
Invented the lightbulb. Without it he couldn’t see how to work his phonograph.

Incandescent
Mrs Edison was very, very cross at the amount of time her husband was spending in the outhouse.

Filament
What Mr Edison’s marriage hung by.

Electric current
Early attempts to fit dried fruit with a plug failed to produce much illumination.

Voltage
You have to be over 18 to buy a bulb.

Screw fitting
We advise you to ignore this advice and use your hands instead.

Bayonet fitting
When British soldiers in the First World War ran out of daggers to attach to their rifles, they fell back on lightbulbs. This was very painful. The ones they didn’t break they attached to their guns. Unfortunately, the lightbulbs made them an easy target, especially as the extension leads meant they couldn’t run very far.

Street light
Urban bulb that won’t take any shit.

Bedside lamp
Bulb with a pleasant manner.

Frosted bulbs
They’re GRRRRREAT!

Energy-saving bulb
You don’t have to climb precariously on a chair every couple of weeks to replace it.

Halogen lamp
You need antihistamines to sit under one of these.

Strip light
A bulb so powerful you have to take your clothes off to cool down.

Arc light
Used to count the animals in two by two.

Fluorescent
The smell of bread. Not much to do with lightbulbs.

Vacuum
There’s one inside every lightbulb. But bugger me if I can see it.

Candela
Fungal infection of a screw fitting.

Lumen
What the end of the lightbulb is doing.

Ohms
“Illuminatory, my dear Watson”.

Watt
Exclamation when you can’t believe another one has blown.

Inefficient
Ninety per cent of the energy used by a lightbulb is wasted as heat. Ninety percent of the energy used by someone fitting a lightbulb is wasted as swearing.

Dimmer
Frame used by old people to stand up while changing lightbulbs.

Shade
1980s singer. Not much to do with lightbulbs.

How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
One.

Conclusion
Ping.

The Beginners' Guide to:

MEDICINE

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Origins
The first person to take any form of medicine was the ancient Greek Asclepius as he used to carry a big stick with a snake coiled around it that kept biting him.

Shot
What the snake eventually was.

Tablets
Medicine God gave to Moses.

Pharmacology
Medicines made from rural areas.

Physiology
Medicines with a widget in them.

Pathology
Medicines made by compulsive liars.

Clinical trials
What the liars face if they’re found out.

Symptoms
Cartoon show about the antics of a family of yellow-coloured chemists from Springfield.

Prescription
Writing on the back of the packet telling you what the pills look like.

Dose
Telling the chemist which pills you want with a stuffy nose.

Course
What the chemist has to pass before they’re allowed to serve anyone.

Allergy
What French chemists receive after passing their exams.

Side effects
Artistic lighting on the chemists shop.

Dissolve
Breaking down in tears when the chemist says they’ve run out of the medicine you need.

Preventative medicine
You should have phoned ahead to check they had some in stock.

Homoeopathic medicine
Taking medicine in your house.

Palliative medicine
Taking medicine in a friends’ house.

Inoculate
Giving medicine to a Dalek.

WHO
Dr that gives medicine to the Dalek.

Tamiflu
Anti-flu treatment favoured by buxom, blonde, American country and western singers.

Cough mixture
Phlegm, nasal mucus and specks of green stuff.

Vaccination
Giving up on the local chemist and going abroad to buy your medicine.

Conclusion
‘Laughter is the best medicine’, so read this guide three times a day after food.

The Beginners' Guide to:

Jogging

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Origins
Jogging is running for walkers.

Dangers of jogging
Looking a pillock to your trophy wife when you faint on the steps of the Elysee Palace.

Warm up
Pre-exercise exercises. So they’re, like, exercises.

Warm down
Post-exercise exercises. So they’re, like, exercises too.

Cross trainer
Runner who has just stepped in dog poo.

Cross country
North Korea. Not much to do with jogging.

Training regime
Dictatorship still at the apprentice stage.

Stretch
What joggers have to do to avoid dog poo.

Push up
Bra worn by image-conscious female jogger.

Track suits
People who control the jogging business.

Jogging bottoms
What female runners would like to get rid of.

Singlet
Small vocalist. Not much to do with jogging.

Running shorts
Inadvisable consumption of vodka on the move.

Reps
Salespeople trying to get you to buy the latest trainers.

Personal trainer
Shoe that only you wear.

Cushion sole
Inserting a fish to reduce the impact on your ankles.

Air sole
What you’ll get called if you develop a particularly silly running style to impress your trophy wife.

Stopwatch
You don’t want people looking at you till you’re properly fit.

Pedometer
Jogger on the police sex-offenders register.

10k
What all the gear will cost you.

Running partner
Spouse who has got fed up with your obsession with exercise.

Joint pain
You can’t have one while you’re running.

Cramp
Painful condition caused by jogging in a confined space.

Stitch
Painful condition caused by sewing in a confined space.

Abs
First bit of the word “absolutely”. After a run you’re too knackered to manage the rest of long words like this.

The wall
What you lean against, trying to breathe while your eyes begin bulging out on stalks.

Blister
Type of pack the painkillers you’ll need come in.

Pacemaker
Jogging companion whose job it is to restart your heart when you collapse.

Roadrunner
Cartoon jogger.

Lap
Jogger from the north of Europe.

Running track
Native American. Related to Running Shoe.

Knee support
Foot.

Athletes foot
You’ll need two.

Jogger’s nipple
Oil here in the case of chafing.

Calves
Run round these.

Cartilage
Ancient city of joggers, eventually overrun by Rome.

Go for the burn
Have a curry afterwards

Second wind
Dietary malfunction. It’s that curry.

Conclusion
After months of strenuous exercise, you find you’re the fittest person in the Paris A&E.

Not FOR beginners, but BY beginners…